Morning came and I was greeted by gray skies. A lot of
people don’t like gray skies. They are symbolic of things like sadness, or the
absence of love, or of loss. Instead people wish for
bright sunlight and pure blueness overhead.
I don’t always feel like that. Sometimes I’m fascinated by
the gray. Not always, mind you. I don’t like a sky that is flat and
monochromatic (although any decent photographer will tell you that there is
beauty to be found in monochrome). The gray sky that captures me is the one
that contains multitudes of textures and shadows. The clouds are at their
various heights and seem to be holding back secrets and truths.
This is the sky of introspection.
The shades ranging from light gray to steel gray to deepest
slate gray remind me of my soul. Most of us come out of a culture that paints
things in black and white. We are told by the Powers That Be that life is to be
confined to the simplest terms and most convenient definitions. Our side is good.
The other side is evil. Our way is right. Someone else’s way is wrong. Be like
me and you’ll be free.
The Church and the State have colluded in trying to keep us
in line. It’s all black and white, we’re told. There are two kinds of people in
the world – us and them. If we don’t want to be like them (the definition of
“them” varies with whomever you’re talking to), then you’ve got to be like us.
It’s a lie. It’s just not that simplistic. I’m not just one
shade, be it either black or white. As I consider the sky that reflects my
heart, I see that I am many shades as well. I’ve lived a lot of years and done
a lot of things. I’ve tried to make most of them good things. There are some
that weren’t. They are all part of who I am.
Whoever I am today is due in large part to who I was
yesterday – and last year and 10 years ago and on and on. Without the textures
and shades that make up our past we have no present and cannot make a future.
I’ve heard people say that we can forget the past or that the past does not
define us. I don’t think that forgetting the past is good advice. There are
lessons to be learned and love to be experienced in the past. While the past doesn’t completely define us,
it certainly informs who we are now. To refuse to at least acknowledge that is
to lie to ourselves, to others and to God.
Just as important as acknowledging the past, sometimes we
have to embrace it. We may not like all of it, but it is who we have been and
part of who we are. Like a family member that sometimes make bad choices and
still shows up at Thanksgiving, our past visits us and calls upon us to be
honest with ourselves. The shades and textures of gray come to bring meaning
and perspective to our lives.
I have not always liked who I was. There have been times that
I wanted to be something different – someone different. On occasion it is still
a struggle. Still, there are the special gray days when I look at the sky and
can come to a moment of peace with it all. My soul is not one pure, solid
color. It is many shades and textures. Some of them seem to be permanent, at
least so far. Some of them come for a while and move on, merging with others to
create something new.
What will it be tomorrow? I have no idea. the only sky I have
is the sky of today. Tomorrow will bring its own special blend of sun and
shadow. I’ll greet tomorrow when it’s here.
Today, I’m watching the clouds.
