Have you every given someone a word of advice just knowing that you were being wise and that the beneficiary of your sagacity would be enlightened and changed for the better? Have you ever then been smacked in the face with your own words? It's a rude awakening, realizing that the words you spoke with such a knowing inflection are suddenly meant for you and no one else. It's like preparing a salad for someone else and then looking in the mirror and seeing that you are the one that needs to eat that bowl of leaves. I hate it. You do too – admit it.
I had that experience just the other day. My wife, Linda, was talking about how she needed to get things done around the house. The first thing you've got to understand is that Linda has a work ethic that would put a Puritan to shame. She works full time for an accounting firm. Then, on about the second day off she's had in the last three months (tax season, you understand), Linda started talking about more work.
I came back with a well thought out response: “Why?”
Basically, Linda responded that it was something she was supposed to do. That's when I made the profound statement that was designed to remind her how insightful I am.
“Sometimes,” I said, looking wise and compassionate, “life is not about what you're supposed to to. Sometimes it's about what you want to do.”
Doesn't that sound great? It's true that, on occasion, life must be ordered by the framework in which we live and which imposes its expectations upon us. There are other times when we must decide what it is that we really want our lives to be and then act on that deep conviction. If we don't do that we'll never be happy and will, by association, make loved ones equally unhappy. The clinical term for that is a “bummer.”
So here I was being all profound and perspicacious when it hit me – hard and with a loud (at least in my mind) smack. I was speaking wisdom all right, but not to Linda. I was speaking out loud the words I needed to say to myself. I'm in a time of personal transition, to put it mildly. My current job is ending and as yet I have nothing on the horizon. I've got a daughter about leave college and begin a new life. There are family issues and financial issues that demand to be addressed. It's easy to put aside everything except what I'm “expected” to do. It's easy to push down any personal feelings and pretend that they are not important in the larger picture. Truly, you can only do that for so long and then they come back with a vengeance.
I'm at a time in my life at which it's OK to ask myself, “What do I really want? What is the Celestial Guide and Ruler of the Universe saying to me in the middle of all this transitional angst?” I really do believe that there are times when God's priorities for us are simply for us to take care of ourselves, to be creative and happy, and to find a peaceful place where we can discover ourselves again.
Some people might find that to be a bit selfish. Some people might say that we have to keep giving ourselves away no matter what and that our own feelings don't matter. Some people need to tend to their own lives and leave mine alone! I can no longer allow the direction of my life to be prioritized by other people or organizations. I can no longer avoid looking into the depths of my soul and listening for the echo of who I am and who I can be.
Thank God I have a wonderful wife and some very unique and loving friends. They've been asking the same question of me for a while now. “What do you want to do?” It's a question that I've been able to circumvent with a smile and some well chosen, open ended phrases. Now my own voice is added to theirs and it's not a question that can be dodged any longer. Time to go spelunking inside my soul and search for the answers.
I look forward to discovering gold in the depths.
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